Homeland Security Spoof ! - Part 1

	If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
	If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
	If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
	Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
	To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.
	Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.
	People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.
	Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Company Talk - What they really mean....

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"


2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"


3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"


4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"


5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"


6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"


7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"


8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"


9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."


10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"


11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"


12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"


13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"


14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."


15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"


16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"


17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Salute to Rodney Dangerfield!

Here are some of "Rodney Dangerfield" original quotes. Enjoy!

* I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasnt born a boy, Id have nothing to play with.

* A girl phoned me the other day and said Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said, Because you came home early.

* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

* I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

* I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

* My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.