Ways To Tell Somebody is Stoopid !!!!

If she moved any slower, she'd rust.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.

Perfect face for Halloween.
Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
Too dumb to know when you're getting smart/playing dumb with him.
Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
Too slow to catch a cold.
Too tall for his blood supply.
Took a spacewalk in the asteroid belt without his helmet.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Tough as toenails after a hot bath.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed/still boarding at the station/has no caboose.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport/towel.
Tried to reinvent the wheel but ended up with a flat tire.
Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
Trips over cordless phones.

Ways To Insult A Person !!!

You are a day late and a dollar short.
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
You are so dull, you can't even cut a fart.

You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
You got more issues than National Geographic!
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
You are a few beads short in her rosary.
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?

Kool "Yo Mamma " Jokes !!!

Yo momma's so dumb when the computer said Press any key to continue she couldn't find the Any key
Yo momma's so dumb when you she got pregnant she asked the doctor are you sure its mine?
Yo momma's so dumb when you were born she looked at your umbilical cord and said Wow it comes with cable too
Yo momma's so dumb you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is expired
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter
Yo momma's so old her memory is in black and white
Yo momma's so old her social security card is in roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma's so old her breasts squirt out powderd milk
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything
Yo momma's so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma's so old i told her to act her age and she died
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer
Yo momma's so old it looks like the Wrinkle Fairy tap danced on her face
Yo momma's so old I've seen stale rasins with less wrinkles
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so old she babysat for Jesus
Yo momma's so old she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight
Yo momma's so old she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's So old she dated moses
Yo momma's so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma's so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's so old she has all the apostles in her black book
Yo momma's so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma's so old she knew Captain Crunch while he was still a private
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma's so old she left her purse on noahs ark
Yo momma's so old she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers
Yo momma's so old she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo momma's so old she owes Moses a quarter
Yo momma's so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma's so old she remembers what life was like before the ice age
Yo momma's so old she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo momma's so old she uses her hot flashes to heat her cup of Tea
Yo momma's so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Yo momma's so old she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma's so old that in the back seat of your car kids don't say Are we there yet they scream Is she Dead yet
Yo momma's so old that she had Jesus tattoo the ten commandments on her back
Yo momma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma's So old she went blind from the big bang
Yo momma's so old she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo momma's so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma's so old that when God said let the be light she hit the switch
Yo momma's so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma's so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma's so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo momma's so old they ask to check her bags and she's not carrying any luggage
Yo momma's so old vultures constantly circle her house
Yo momma's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he found her fishing on the other side
Yo momma's so old when she gave birth, you came out with Dentures
Yo momma's so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo momma's so old when she was a kid there was no old spice it was called baby spice
Yo momma's so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick
Yo momma's so old when she was young rainbows were black and white

Stupid & Kool Car Bumper Stickers !!

" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
If you're rich, I’m single!
0-60 in 15 minutes!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
100% Irony Free
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Baby on bored
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
Keep honking, I am reloading!
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go
" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON
IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE
U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

The Junk Cheque Deposit !!!!

"Depositing the Junk Check"



On May 19th, I was one of thousands of people around the country who received a 'junk mail' letter touting a get-rich quick method for making $95,093.35 in just three weeks. That letter also came with a for the same amount, $95,093.35. Everything about the check looked real except for the words 'non-negotiable for cash' typed on the top right hand corner.

For very little reason at all I deposited this check into my ATM. It was fun, like putting monopoly money into the bank. I walked home picturing a bank teller opening my deposit envelope and chuckling upon the sight of the ridiculously large, and obviously a sample, check. I fully expected that on Monday morning someone from my bank would call and say, 'Mr. Combs, the check you deposited on Friday wasn't real.'

On Monday when they didn't call, I figured they were mailing the check back to me and I forgot about the whole thing. Then two days later, while withdrawing $40, my ATM produced a receipt that stated my balance at over one hundred thousand dollars! Suddenly, I remembered the $95,093.35 deposit.

I walked briskly and excitedly home. As soon as I got in I called a friend and told them what'd happened. He made a quick phone call to his own bank and called me back: "It's standard policy to credit your account for any amount you deposit, but it's only a credit. You can't touch the money unless the check clears." Of course -- It was just a matter of days before the bank would erase the credit and return my account to a mere $5,000.

For the next two days I called my bank for my account balance. It remained over a hundred grand.

Friday morning I again called for my account balance. Still no change. Curiosity kicked in. I went to my bank, approached a teller, and posed this question: "If I need a cashiers check for $70,000 later this afternoon do I have the funds available?"

The teller typed my account number into her computer and said, "Yes, the money is available." -- I got out of the bank fast. And I felt supercharged with possibility and shock.

From that moment until the next Wednesday when I boarded a plane for a four day career-counseling conference in Orlando FL(I make my living as an author and speaker addressing career success), $95,093.35 was available for withdrawal from my account. My close friends and I contemplated, for fun, all the possibilities a hundred grand afforded. "To Leave the Country or Not To Leave -- That is the question."

I knew that the money was going to be taken out of my account -- and each day I figured it would happen tomorrow. I boarded my flight to Orlando confident, and glad, that in all likelihood the money would be gone upon my return. It had already possessed my thoughts for a week.

On Monday, the day after my return, I called for my account balance. Five thousand and something dollars was what I expected to hear. No such luck. "What's happening here!!!"

Two weeks and that money was still sitting in my account. "It will be gone tomorrow," I kept telling myself for the next five days. Then on Friday, exactly three weeks since I had deposited the sample check I, again, returned to the bank. I approached a bank teller at the special Customer Service window, and I sternly stated: "I recently deposited $95,000 and I don't want to spend any of the money if there is the possibility of the check being returned. How long should I wait?"

Again the teller keyed in my account number. Then she said, "$95,093.35 deposited on May 21st. You're safe to spend that money now because that check can no longer be returned. Depositors are protected by a law that says checks cannot be returned after 10 business days." I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't believe my luck. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. On my way out of the bank, I grabbed every brochure and pamphlet that vaguely implied it might contain the law she had just referenced and I went home and read voraciously.

My reading didn't reveal the law I was looking for. Quickly I learned that bank brochures don't tell you your rights -- they tell you all the bank's rights. (Some of which I found quite interesting). But at the end of one of the brochures I found a reference that said, "For more information contact, The Office of Thrift Supervision." (O.T.S)

I called the O.T.S. and a man answered the phone. I gave my first name only and I gave him a quick synopsis of what had transpired. He treated my story with a cool intrigue. He told me that the ten day law the teller had mentioned was known as "The Midnight Deadline." But he suggested that the more important legal question had to do with "negotiability." He wondered if the check I deposited was a true negotiable instrument. He said, "The banking law book, Bradys, has specific criteria that a check has to match in order to qualify as legal negotiable instrument. I'm not sure what they are but if the check you deposited was actually a negotiable instrument that would explain why your bank passed it."

Within three hours I had found my way to the Hasting's Law Library and to the book, Brady on Bank Checks - The Law of Bank Checks
by Henry Bailey and Richard Hagedorn .

Uuggh! Reading a big thick law book. Suddenly I knew why law students always looked so beat and tired. I didn't know how I was going to find anything in the monstroserous tome in front of me, and then my eyes caught sight of a small pocket sized book titled, Negotiable Instruments and Check Collection . It was a heaven sent guide for laymen. And plain as day, it listed the nine criteria for a negotiable instrument. I flipped it open and as if by magic, I found myself staring at a page that read, "The Nine Criteria for a Negotiable Instrument." I dove in reading with ferocious intensity.

The first eight criteria went my way. Things like, must have a signature, a date, the words "pay to," - all the things you expect to see on a check. The check I deposited had all the right features however it also carried the words "non-negotiable" in the top right hand corner. Hopefully the ninth point would address this. It said, "The ninth issue is whether people can create an instrument that matches the first eight criteria, and then avoid negotiability by declaring on the instrument that it is not negotiable."

I took a deep breath. The roulette wheel was spinning to a stop, giving me a fifty-fifty chance at a hundred grand. I began reading the next sentence slower than any sentence I've read in my life, my finger uncovering one word at a time. "No, give me the word no," I said to myself.

"The... answer... is... ...yes."

Wham. Ugh. Game over.

Any fantasies I had about the $95,000 dollars fizzled. But then, I moved my finger a micro-inch further, and saw a comma. "The answer is yes, except on a check." It went on:

"A declaration on a check that it is not negotiable is ineffective.” The meaning of this sunk in quickly - I was the luckiest S.O.B. alive. The get-rich-quick company had accidentally designed a real check - and I had deposited it!

Crazy And Funny Billboards !!

Government Ads on Traffic Light Buttons



Barebecue Grill Drain Outdoor



Wrinkled Poster for Skin Care Salon



Bus Poster for Duracell



"Drowned Child" Underwater Ad



Competing "No Dropped Calls" Billboards



Different Billboards for Different Shoe Sizes



The "Hip Ronald McDonald" Poster



"Kill Bill" Bathroom Promo



Offtopic: Weird Retro Ads
Taking a break from billboards and sharing a few bits from my growing retro ad collection. The guy on the second one is indeed Ronald Reagan.







Upskirt Promo for Che Magazine



Sopranos "Hand in the Trunk" Campaign in Russia



Giraffe Lamp Post Promotes Zoo




Kebab Poster's Weird Pun



McDonald's Sundial Billboard

Now That's why I Got Fired !!!

Real Stories About How & Why People Got Fired !!!

Never make out at work Once I worked at a market and this cute guy and I Snook in one of the stalls in the bathroom to make out and the boss caught us and we both got fired. One time before that we made out So much we were in there for an hour making out and did not get caught.

10 cents my @$$ Well it started off like this. One of the managers that i worked for didn't like me too too much. I don't know why, everyone else did, just not her. I worked as a cashier at a pharmacy. So in the end.. one day i got called at home by her and she said, I'm sorry but we will need to find a new cashier. I asked her politely why, and she toled me, because you were TEN CENTS off on your cash's float. I hung up and cried so hard, i wanted to seriously go back there and kick some booty. Sadly, the manager that had fired me wasn't there when I had brought back my uniform so my feelings for her are still, "in the dark"

Why? I was working with a friend (who I will keep secret) at a dim light fancy pancy type place. Someone was having a birthday party, and me and him had to do the stupid dance. any way, he tried to give the girl a pair of balloons, but he let go and they got caught up in the lights (wich have shaders so the balloon was rubbing up against the light). He said not to worry and he would bring her another one. 2 hours later...Half of the restraunt was on fire! Know what he did, of course, blame it on me! I was then fired after scraping the ashes out of my bosses office.

What a great reason to get fired!! I went in for an interview on a Saturday morning and 8 minutes later I had the job.. I worked there a total of two days when I get a voicemail saying that I was being let go because "it wasn't going to work out". I went in to speak with one of the managers and she told me I caught on really fast and I was friendly to the customers yet her boss didn't think I was going to work out. Nice huh? Needless to say no one I know will ever go there again. ;-)

taxes away well i worked disney about 6 months... until election time. florida was well over due for a raise in minimum wages, so when the people voted, and the raise was confirmed, disney, just because they are cheap,"fired" (not downsized) hundreds of employees including me even though i worked my butt of for that company without the much needed complaint... AND ALL BECAUSE ID ONLY BEEN THERE 6 MONTHS! - BASTARDS! never come back So my buddy was working at a full service car wash and we were really slow so our boss went up to him and asked if he wanted to go since we were slow he replied yes so as he was walking away the boss said you know what actually why dont you never come back Too Good To Work, I worked for a company that sold office suppies via the phone. My manager had the job she hired me for and was pleased she was promoted. The first day I started I was kickin butt. My sales number continued to grow. At the end of the first pay period I was told that I was the first employee ever to sell enough to get bonus pay. My newly appointed boss never even achieved this. As she handed me my check she told me I was fired. She said I worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to loose my job to a new person. I said you can't do that and went to the company owner who said sorry she makes the decisions for that department. I found out later he was having an affair with her. I went their competitor and started working there. After six months I became manager and needed to hire more workers to keep the volume up. Guess who came in for an interview? Thats right, the lady who fired me! I gave her the job....for two weeks!

Funny Away Messages !!!

ok...so you're bored of the person you're chattin wid.
how do u get the message to him ???
here's how !!

To Tell Him/Her That You're Eating !

Consuming food.

Damn I'm hungarian

Did I Eat Today?

Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap.

Exercising my taste buds.

Expanding my stomach.

Gone hungry be back soon

Hunger struck, be back when the fridge is empty.

Hungrier than you!

Hunting for food.

To Tell Him/Her Your At the Phone !

Did you ever notice that girls are always on the phone? Hold on I'm on the phone right now...

Doo,doo, doo! The Screen name you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time. Please hang up and try again.

Even though you love me and I love you, i'm talking on the phone so too bad for you.

Exercising my vocal cords. Help! There's someone hiding inside my phone, and they're talking to me. Help, I'm on the phone and I can't stop talking. Help, the phone won't come off my ear and the voice on the other end won't stop talking. Hey ****, I actually have real friends to talk to on the phone instead of virtual friends like you. Hey ****. I'm not here at the moment because I'm answering the phone. Even though I know it's not that hottie from school. To Tell Them Your Jus Bored Of Him/Her !!! Doing something better than talking to %n A millennium is 1000 years. Thats how long I don't want to talk to you. A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend!! Yes You!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!! Cancel my subscriptions ... I'm tired of your issues Doing something better than talking to %n Don't let your mind wander. It's way to small to be outside by itself! Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide to bodies Don't take it personaly.. but you smell like an ice cube Earth is full. Go home. Go find a straw %n cuz you suck! God made mountains, god made trees, god made you but we all make mistakes.

Crazy Bids for Crazy Items!!!

Haunted Lower Denture Description: These teeth were made in late 1959 for my father.He wore them home and came into the kitchen door with them on. My sister who was older than me was there at the door to meet Dad. He smiled and she screamed blue bloody murder. She ran from the room and hid. Nothing my father could do would appease her.

My Gold Tooth Description: This gold tooth stayed in my mouth for about twenty-five years. Then one day it started slightly moving trying to break free from its prison walls. Finally, it started flopping around like a fish out of water. I didn't want the dentist bill, so I finally manage to free it from its imprisonment.

Ghost In A Jar Description: It was back in the early 1980s that while I was out metal detecting one morning I came across an old abandoned cemetry. Nearby were some old foundations of what had once been houses or a possibly a church. It was around one of these foundations that my metal detector suddenly began to sound off.

		Never Ending Roll Of Toilet Paper Description: This is a roll of toilet paper with no hole in the middle. Great gag because there is no way to put it on a roll. Of all the many valuable and can't possibly afford items this has surely got to be the most sought item ever. I'm surprised that the bids aren't up in the thousands since it so unique. Not really

Magic Skittles Wrapper Description: This is a sacred skittles wrapper. With this wrapper life becomes a constant joy to behold. This is special to me and I want you to have it.Why buy an old skittles wrapper? Why indeed. If you cannot fathom why then its not for you.Let me let you about this wrapper a little bit more.

		Potato Chip Shaped Like Mickey Mouse Description: This is a real Lays Potato Chip that looks like either a bear or Mickey Mouse. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This potato chip would mak a great collectors item. All items are from an animal and smoke free environment. So there you have it now all you have to do is bid on it if you would like to own it.

Unlucky Penny Description: If you have an enemy and you want them to be cursed, just carefully drop this penny on the table while wearing rubber gloves and ask them to pick it up. When they touch it bad luck will be cast upon them. I was told that this bad luck LUCK penny was found on a freeway at the site of a fatal car crash.

Tongue Twisters for Youse !!!

Sum Dumb Crimes ...Sum Dumb People really Committed !!!

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the left...

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.

Crazy And Dumb Warnings !!!

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flammable

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.